Stupid Bitches!

Lordy! Your poor, poor Dominick is going to be left alone all weekend while his gurl 5 Dolla be g'on to tha M-I-A! Yep, while the ho 5 Dolla be trickin it up on South Beach with White Chocolate, Dominick gonna be alone with a pack of wild dogs and an empty house. Too bad it's not Bears. However, ya'll best be assured that Dominick is gonna take advantage of the alone time...methinks a house party, with lots of nekkid mens running around, and a hash bar will suffice for the weekend. What say you?

Seriously, 5 Dolla DO need to get her stank ass outta the house. She's like Gollum in his cave languishing over her precious...Steak that is. So Dominick wishes her a good time with lots of latin hotties. While she partying it up in Miami, I'll be partying it up in...Hunter's Creek. DOH!

The weekend isn't a total loss, however. The Hunter's Creek shindig promises to have some GOOD nose candy...sniff sniff...

Porsha - The St. Patty's Day edition

For lunch today, I decided to take the trek a few blocks away from the office to partake in oh so yummy Boston Market. I had a craving for the turkey Carver with some delicious spinach casserole, savory stuffing, and an ice cold coke. I walk into the establishment, order my food, and am patiently waiting in line for my delicious lunch. As I waiting, in walks my good friend, Porsha, the 7 feet tall, African-American drag queen. Porsha was looking ever so fabulous today with her vinyl dress, stilletoes, and she just had her "hur did" in honor of St. Patty's Day; long braids with some green "hur" weaved in. To use my girl, NiNi's, words, "it were good".

Anyways, I begin chatting with Porsha, who begins a lively tryrade against some dudes who were trying to holler at her from their best-friend's ride...SCRUBS. Porsha flicked them off and pulled into Boston Market. Well, I guess the Scrubs followed her, because she and I suddenly hear raucious laughter coming from the entrance...In walks the Scrubs. Porsha rolls her eyes and proceeds to tell me about the leprechaun she'll be funking after lunch. One of the Scrubs just can't seem to take "no" for an answer, tho, because he begins to harrass poor Porsha. "Ohh, look at the tall drink of hot chocolate there!" one of them said. Another said, "I'd like to melt that in my mouth..." It got worse.

Porsha, never one to take any bullshit, then turned around, grabbed one of the scrubs in a headlock and proceeded to strip the man right there in Boston Market, all the while beating him over the head with her fake Louis Vouitton bag (she doesn't know that it's fake, so lets just keep that between us). The Scrub's friends didn't know what to do, and it all happened so fast, they had no time to react. After the embarrassing episode, Porsha decides to make his life worse and that is when she pulled up her vinyl skirt, pulled down the matching green panties, and took a huge SHIT in the Scrub's face.

The good patrons of Boston Market did not know what to do, nor did the scrub and his friends. Absolutely disgusted, some of the diner's left in addition to the Scrub and his friends high-tailing it out of the restaurant...all the while Porsha is throwing handfulls of shit at them.

What an interesting St. Patty's Day this is turning out to be...

Spattergroit Outbreak!

Be warned, dear bloggers! There is a severe case of Spattergroit invading the SinFla area; Orlando in particular. The above picture details a very nasty case of the 'groit, or maybe it's just a very sad attempt to cover up multiple moles & birthmarks via tattooing. Whatever the case may be, in an effort to avoid catching such nastiness, one must stay away from cult members and religious hypocrites. If this IS a tattoo, then I must ask...WHO THOUGHT OF THIS DESIGN? Methinks it's the tat's recipient...there is no tattoo artist I know that would even dream of claiming this monstrousity as their own creation. What the fuck is it??? A bubblegum drop tree? Multiple balloons protruding from a bolt of lightning? It looks like someone stuck half-sucked Jolly Ranchers all over this person...

In any case...AVOID THE GROIT!

The Durty Rat

The Durty Rat is a selfish, careless, Incubus, man-child who preys after unsuspecting Single women. The Durty Rat takes advantage of the female by draining her bank account, racking up her credit-card debt, and pretty much bullshitting up to all her friends in an attempt to look like a "real man". After the poor female's resources are drained, the Durty Rat will eventually leave said female high and dry while he pursues other opportunities. However, the Durty Rat will blame the Female for all his insecurities and relative lack of knowing how to be a MAN! In addition, the Durty Rat will move to another female (or his ex-wife) in an effort to look like the victim. The Durty Rat will not have his own car, house, and he will constantly make up a number of aliases in which to hide from the people whom he has wronged. The Durty Rat will then pretend to have found Religion and a New "purpose" in his life while promoting his new found freedom shouting: "Free At Last"!

Don't be a Durty Rat!

Porsha

As I'm on my lunch break today, I decided to stop into Baskin Robbins, as it's been ages since I've eaten ice cream. As I'm waiting in the line, I see my good friend, Porsha Patil Bouvioux, a 7 feet tall, african-american, DRAG QUEEN. Porsha and I exchange pleasantries, all the while receiving stares from the uptight, straight people who apparently have been living under a rock and have never seen a real life drag queen. Porsha notices this and, always wanting to be in the spotlight, decides to put on a drag show for the good patrons of Baskin Robbins.

Porsha first hands her mix CD to the pimply faced teenager (who looks like HE'S eaten too much of Baskin Robbins, but I digress) and comands him to push Play on the boombox behind the counter. A few seconds later, Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" begins blaring out of the speakers and Porsha hops her 7 foot, stilletoed frame onto the ice cream counter; all to the silent stares of the other customers. Porsha proceeds to do her fabulous rendition of Donna Summer and for the grand finale, she took a vanilla wafer cone, filled it with Chocolate ice cream, hoisted up her dress, and stuck the entire cone, ice cream and all, right up her ass...

After her show, Porsha hands the cone back to the stunned, pimply faced teenager, all the while licking her fingers. The old man at the end of the line, for some reason, insisted on buying Porsha's ice cream.

Randon Thought: Orlando's Queer Selection

Sigh...the quest to find good dick in Orlando is, sadly, limited. If you've had no luck at one of the seedy establishments of PHouse or Southern, then you'll have no luck online either. It's always the same people, all looking for the same thing, but they're just too picky to even try to show interest in them. Honestly, if a fag thinks he's going to find the perfect Adonis...ONLINE...and his ad says he's ONLY looking for perfection, methinks that fag is going to be sitting at his computer for a very long time. Sometimes, I'm that fag, but other times, it's simply JUST about the dick. I've been lucky at times and found some good dick, but never hear from it again. Then there are those times where the dick has been very questionable (in addition to the fag attached to it) and that's when *I* never want them to hear from ME again. Anyways, the moral of the story is...Queers in Orlando are like a box of budget "Raisin Bran"; too many flakes and not enough raisins!!!

The Boil on my Ass: Nickelback

Just when one thought is was safe to assume that Nickelback took a one way flight back to Mulletville, this no talent, recycle every song, shit band from Canada has to annoy the radio airwaves with their latest drivell; "Rock Star". Oh Jesus help us!!! I don't know what it is about this "band" that really irritates me. Could it be the fact that all of their songs sound the same? Or how about the fact that those same songs have no real musical merit to them whatsoever? Honestly, Ace of Bass had more talent than this group of posers. Don't believe me? Click on the link to hear just how bad talentless Nickelback REALLY is: http://www.thewebshite.net/nickelback.htm. Nickelback is so bad, but people continue to buy this groups music, they continue to request their shit on the radio, and I can't find ONE local Orlando station NOT playing one of their shit songs. It's lead me to believe the world is coming to an end...


Other current musical irritants:

• Sean Kingston - "Beautiful Girls" - Set to the oldies tune, "Stand by Me", I never thought I would hear one song that could find a use for the word "suicidal" over and over and over...shit, it's enough to drive one to actually COMMIT suicide. I've tried to twist the panties of this jackass' fans on YouTube by leaving snide little comments like, "this song sucks ass" in his video of the song, to no avail. They're all hopelessly eating into the fodder the music industry is shoving down their throat. Case in point: the EXACT SAME SONG was already "remade" by a group of chicks. As if the first one wasn't bad enough...oh Jesus..
• Pink - I never did like this chick...ever. 'Nuff said...
• Kanye West - Now trying to go by "Mr. West" recently showed the entire world how much of an ass he REALLY is by totally queening out at the MTV VMA's recently held in Las Vegas. If his recent tyrade wasn't absolute proof that Kanye is GAY (hey, that rhymes!) then the pink shirts and his absolute OBSESSION with 50 Cent should suffice. To see Kanye bitch out enough to make Perez Hilton blush with envy, click here: http://www.eurweb.com/story/eur36678.cfm. To comment on Kanye's quip of "Give a black man a chance...", uhh...MTV has become the new BET. During the RARE occassion when they play videos, one cannot go 10 minutes without seeing some psuedo-Thug with a fake ass "grill" spewing some garbage about "gangsta's", "ho's", and "niggaz" all the while flanked by some hoochies who gave the director/artist (and his crew) head to be in the video. So, IMO, the black man has his "chance" on MTV...what he does with it is up to him. Oh, and a final word to Kanye...it's the MTV viewers who vote for the best video. You gotta impress THEM in order to win an award.