The Korean Fire Drill!

Yesterday, M and I were on the way home from a tiring day at work and we wanted nothing more than to just chill with a big steak. While trying to get onto the Turnpike from I-4, M got behind these confused people in the toll lane looking for change. They were holding up everyone trying to get home, so M beeped her horn at the people. They were obviously tourists, because in Orlando, locals KNOW when a toll is coming...there's just so many damn toll roads in this city...anyway, I'm getting off track.

The Tourists were taking too much time searching for change, so M decided to get out of her car (it was M's day to drive cuz ya'll know my Epass having self would've already been on the Turnpike) a pay the toll for the tourists so we could all get moving along.

All of the sudden, the Tourist husband sees M coming his way, so he begins to roll up his window! Now, M is not a big woman...she ain't even a HUGE BITCH...she be this little Korean girl ya'll and it just so happened that the Tourists were of an Asian persuasion also (hey that rhymes)! It were funny ya'll...they probably thought she were gonna shoot they ass or something, cuz I guess Orlando's reputation as crime spot #1 in Florida is getting around. So watch out for those Orlando Koreans ya'll...they packing quarters!!!

Violated by Stank! STANK WATCH!!!

Oh Lordy! First let me begin the story from the beginning. M had to take her car into the shop, so to wait out the time, we went to the Millenia Mall. While there, we found a sale at Macy's in which M picked out two great pairs of shorts for me that were a steal! Afterwards, we looked at expensive shit from Louis Vouitton, Gucci, all the names that discerning label whores would approve of. To cap off the visit, we stopped into The Cheesecake Factory for some lunch. The meal was subpar, but the afternoon in general was lovely, so we were having an overall wonderful time.
Then, when out of nowhere, this horrible, awful, foul, rank, stenchly STANK took over the atmosphere. There was a family behind us and servers were walking by, so it could have came from anyone...people, it was absolutely REVOLTING! The Stank as it will now be known, was so bad, it litterally made us nauseous. To make matters worse, our server seemed to have forgotten to give us our bill and pretty much forgot us alltogether, because we had to sit for what seemed to be forever in this cloud of The Stank. He finally showed up and mercifully checked us out so we could escape the Stank that seemed to want to linger...and linger...and linger...Lordy, it was a Deluge of Stank!!!
I guess there really is no moral to this story. Who can avoid someone farting in their vicinity??? Wait, I have the moral...if you MUST fart in public and you MUST force it upon people against their will, then PLEASE refrain from eating crap that will turn your fart into a nuclear bomb for the people around you.

Stupid Bitches!

Lordy! Your poor, poor Dominick is going to be left alone all weekend while his gurl 5 Dolla be g'on to tha M-I-A! Yep, while the ho 5 Dolla be trickin it up on South Beach with White Chocolate, Dominick gonna be alone with a pack of wild dogs and an empty house. Too bad it's not Bears. However, ya'll best be assured that Dominick is gonna take advantage of the alone time...methinks a house party, with lots of nekkid mens running around, and a hash bar will suffice for the weekend. What say you?

Seriously, 5 Dolla DO need to get her stank ass outta the house. She's like Gollum in his cave languishing over her precious...Steak that is. So Dominick wishes her a good time with lots of latin hotties. While she partying it up in Miami, I'll be partying it up in...Hunter's Creek. DOH!

The weekend isn't a total loss, however. The Hunter's Creek shindig promises to have some GOOD nose candy...sniff sniff...

Porsha - The St. Patty's Day edition

For lunch today, I decided to take the trek a few blocks away from the office to partake in oh so yummy Boston Market. I had a craving for the turkey Carver with some delicious spinach casserole, savory stuffing, and an ice cold coke. I walk into the establishment, order my food, and am patiently waiting in line for my delicious lunch. As I waiting, in walks my good friend, Porsha, the 7 feet tall, African-American drag queen. Porsha was looking ever so fabulous today with her vinyl dress, stilletoes, and she just had her "hur did" in honor of St. Patty's Day; long braids with some green "hur" weaved in. To use my girl, NiNi's, words, "it were good".

Anyways, I begin chatting with Porsha, who begins a lively tryrade against some dudes who were trying to holler at her from their best-friend's ride...SCRUBS. Porsha flicked them off and pulled into Boston Market. Well, I guess the Scrubs followed her, because she and I suddenly hear raucious laughter coming from the entrance...In walks the Scrubs. Porsha rolls her eyes and proceeds to tell me about the leprechaun she'll be funking after lunch. One of the Scrubs just can't seem to take "no" for an answer, tho, because he begins to harrass poor Porsha. "Ohh, look at the tall drink of hot chocolate there!" one of them said. Another said, "I'd like to melt that in my mouth..." It got worse.

Porsha, never one to take any bullshit, then turned around, grabbed one of the scrubs in a headlock and proceeded to strip the man right there in Boston Market, all the while beating him over the head with her fake Louis Vouitton bag (she doesn't know that it's fake, so lets just keep that between us). The Scrub's friends didn't know what to do, and it all happened so fast, they had no time to react. After the embarrassing episode, Porsha decides to make his life worse and that is when she pulled up her vinyl skirt, pulled down the matching green panties, and took a huge SHIT in the Scrub's face.

The good patrons of Boston Market did not know what to do, nor did the scrub and his friends. Absolutely disgusted, some of the diner's left in addition to the Scrub and his friends high-tailing it out of the restaurant...all the while Porsha is throwing handfulls of shit at them.

What an interesting St. Patty's Day this is turning out to be...

Spattergroit Outbreak!

Be warned, dear bloggers! There is a severe case of Spattergroit invading the SinFla area; Orlando in particular. The above picture details a very nasty case of the 'groit, or maybe it's just a very sad attempt to cover up multiple moles & birthmarks via tattooing. Whatever the case may be, in an effort to avoid catching such nastiness, one must stay away from cult members and religious hypocrites. If this IS a tattoo, then I must ask...WHO THOUGHT OF THIS DESIGN? Methinks it's the tat's recipient...there is no tattoo artist I know that would even dream of claiming this monstrousity as their own creation. What the fuck is it??? A bubblegum drop tree? Multiple balloons protruding from a bolt of lightning? It looks like someone stuck half-sucked Jolly Ranchers all over this person...

In any case...AVOID THE GROIT!

The Durty Rat

The Durty Rat is a selfish, careless, Incubus, man-child who preys after unsuspecting Single women. The Durty Rat takes advantage of the female by draining her bank account, racking up her credit-card debt, and pretty much bullshitting up to all her friends in an attempt to look like a "real man". After the poor female's resources are drained, the Durty Rat will eventually leave said female high and dry while he pursues other opportunities. However, the Durty Rat will blame the Female for all his insecurities and relative lack of knowing how to be a MAN! In addition, the Durty Rat will move to another female (or his ex-wife) in an effort to look like the victim. The Durty Rat will not have his own car, house, and he will constantly make up a number of aliases in which to hide from the people whom he has wronged. The Durty Rat will then pretend to have found Religion and a New "purpose" in his life while promoting his new found freedom shouting: "Free At Last"!

Don't be a Durty Rat!

Porsha

As I'm on my lunch break today, I decided to stop into Baskin Robbins, as it's been ages since I've eaten ice cream. As I'm waiting in the line, I see my good friend, Porsha Patil Bouvioux, a 7 feet tall, african-american, DRAG QUEEN. Porsha and I exchange pleasantries, all the while receiving stares from the uptight, straight people who apparently have been living under a rock and have never seen a real life drag queen. Porsha notices this and, always wanting to be in the spotlight, decides to put on a drag show for the good patrons of Baskin Robbins.

Porsha first hands her mix CD to the pimply faced teenager (who looks like HE'S eaten too much of Baskin Robbins, but I digress) and comands him to push Play on the boombox behind the counter. A few seconds later, Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" begins blaring out of the speakers and Porsha hops her 7 foot, stilletoed frame onto the ice cream counter; all to the silent stares of the other customers. Porsha proceeds to do her fabulous rendition of Donna Summer and for the grand finale, she took a vanilla wafer cone, filled it with Chocolate ice cream, hoisted up her dress, and stuck the entire cone, ice cream and all, right up her ass...

After her show, Porsha hands the cone back to the stunned, pimply faced teenager, all the while licking her fingers. The old man at the end of the line, for some reason, insisted on buying Porsha's ice cream.