The Durty Rat

The Durty Rat is a selfish, careless, Incubus, man-child who preys after unsuspecting Single women. The Durty Rat takes advantage of the female by draining her bank account, racking up her credit-card debt, and pretty much bullshitting up to all her friends in an attempt to look like a "real man". After the poor female's resources are drained, the Durty Rat will eventually leave said female high and dry while he pursues other opportunities. However, the Durty Rat will blame the Female for all his insecurities and relative lack of knowing how to be a MAN! In addition, the Durty Rat will move to another female (or his ex-wife) in an effort to look like the victim. The Durty Rat will not have his own car, house, and he will constantly make up a number of aliases in which to hide from the people whom he has wronged. The Durty Rat will then pretend to have found Religion and a New "purpose" in his life while promoting his new found freedom shouting: "Free At Last"!

Don't be a Durty Rat!

Porsha

As I'm on my lunch break today, I decided to stop into Baskin Robbins, as it's been ages since I've eaten ice cream. As I'm waiting in the line, I see my good friend, Porsha Patil Bouvioux, a 7 feet tall, african-american, DRAG QUEEN. Porsha and I exchange pleasantries, all the while receiving stares from the uptight, straight people who apparently have been living under a rock and have never seen a real life drag queen. Porsha notices this and, always wanting to be in the spotlight, decides to put on a drag show for the good patrons of Baskin Robbins.

Porsha first hands her mix CD to the pimply faced teenager (who looks like HE'S eaten too much of Baskin Robbins, but I digress) and comands him to push Play on the boombox behind the counter. A few seconds later, Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" begins blaring out of the speakers and Porsha hops her 7 foot, stilletoed frame onto the ice cream counter; all to the silent stares of the other customers. Porsha proceeds to do her fabulous rendition of Donna Summer and for the grand finale, she took a vanilla wafer cone, filled it with Chocolate ice cream, hoisted up her dress, and stuck the entire cone, ice cream and all, right up her ass...

After her show, Porsha hands the cone back to the stunned, pimply faced teenager, all the while licking her fingers. The old man at the end of the line, for some reason, insisted on buying Porsha's ice cream.

Randon Thought: Orlando's Queer Selection

Sigh...the quest to find good dick in Orlando is, sadly, limited. If you've had no luck at one of the seedy establishments of PHouse or Southern, then you'll have no luck online either. It's always the same people, all looking for the same thing, but they're just too picky to even try to show interest in them. Honestly, if a fag thinks he's going to find the perfect Adonis...ONLINE...and his ad says he's ONLY looking for perfection, methinks that fag is going to be sitting at his computer for a very long time. Sometimes, I'm that fag, but other times, it's simply JUST about the dick. I've been lucky at times and found some good dick, but never hear from it again. Then there are those times where the dick has been very questionable (in addition to the fag attached to it) and that's when *I* never want them to hear from ME again. Anyways, the moral of the story is...Queers in Orlando are like a box of budget "Raisin Bran"; too many flakes and not enough raisins!!!

The Boil on my Ass: Nickelback

Just when one thought is was safe to assume that Nickelback took a one way flight back to Mulletville, this no talent, recycle every song, shit band from Canada has to annoy the radio airwaves with their latest drivell; "Rock Star". Oh Jesus help us!!! I don't know what it is about this "band" that really irritates me. Could it be the fact that all of their songs sound the same? Or how about the fact that those same songs have no real musical merit to them whatsoever? Honestly, Ace of Bass had more talent than this group of posers. Don't believe me? Click on the link to hear just how bad talentless Nickelback REALLY is: http://www.thewebshite.net/nickelback.htm. Nickelback is so bad, but people continue to buy this groups music, they continue to request their shit on the radio, and I can't find ONE local Orlando station NOT playing one of their shit songs. It's lead me to believe the world is coming to an end...


Other current musical irritants:

• Sean Kingston - "Beautiful Girls" - Set to the oldies tune, "Stand by Me", I never thought I would hear one song that could find a use for the word "suicidal" over and over and over...shit, it's enough to drive one to actually COMMIT suicide. I've tried to twist the panties of this jackass' fans on YouTube by leaving snide little comments like, "this song sucks ass" in his video of the song, to no avail. They're all hopelessly eating into the fodder the music industry is shoving down their throat. Case in point: the EXACT SAME SONG was already "remade" by a group of chicks. As if the first one wasn't bad enough...oh Jesus..
• Pink - I never did like this chick...ever. 'Nuff said...
• Kanye West - Now trying to go by "Mr. West" recently showed the entire world how much of an ass he REALLY is by totally queening out at the MTV VMA's recently held in Las Vegas. If his recent tyrade wasn't absolute proof that Kanye is GAY (hey, that rhymes!) then the pink shirts and his absolute OBSESSION with 50 Cent should suffice. To see Kanye bitch out enough to make Perez Hilton blush with envy, click here: http://www.eurweb.com/story/eur36678.cfm. To comment on Kanye's quip of "Give a black man a chance...", uhh...MTV has become the new BET. During the RARE occassion when they play videos, one cannot go 10 minutes without seeing some psuedo-Thug with a fake ass "grill" spewing some garbage about "gangsta's", "ho's", and "niggaz" all the while flanked by some hoochies who gave the director/artist (and his crew) head to be in the video. So, IMO, the black man has his "chance" on MTV...what he does with it is up to him. Oh, and a final word to Kanye...it's the MTV viewers who vote for the best video. You gotta impress THEM in order to win an award.

Back to Reality...

Greetings fellow Bloggers! Allow me to apologize for my stagnation in blogging...but, no one reads this anyway (so i think)...so i guess it doesn't really matter...

I recently arrived back to Hellando from a nice, relaxing vacation in Miami Beach...ahh...the bliss of crystal clear ocean water, sipping sangria while watching the oh so fine South American hottie sunning himself in front of you...Que Bonito, no?

I think it's kinda funny that I live in Vacationland and had to take a vacation away from it all. But, trust me, if you've lived in Orlando practically your whole life, then all the cutesy, family friendly crap gets old pretty quickly. ESPECIALLY if you've worked at one of the theme parks that adorn this town. I have to admit, however, that Orlando is growing up a little. While the skyline may not match the Mahattanization of Miami's, downtown Orlando IS morphing into a dense cluster of residential and commercial skyscrapers that seem to be sprouting up overnight. Photos of Orlando's skyline are like a PC; obsolete the minute you get them. But, while all that is great...Miami is still bigger, more sophisticated, and a little bit more "grown-up".

Anyways, back to reality...vacation's over and now here I sit in a cubicle of a suburban Orlando office park. Is it break time yet? Oh, and how much vacation time do I have left?

Please! Just "Walk Away"!!!

Kelly Clarkson, that talentless American mIdol hack, has apprently "shelved" her Summer tour. Boo hoo hoo go the masses of pre-adolescent girls (who are KC's ONLY fan base), "hooray!" goes me. I've despised KC and her annoying, whiney, spoiled white girl ballads and pointless "rock" songs the moment this lardo won American mIdol in season one. As to rub salt in my wound, mIdol produced even more bland, pseudo talent in the form of gayboy Clay Aiken, fatboy Rueben Studdard, and (shudder) Oldboy Taylor Hicks. Anyways, back to the blog...

KC says the reason for her cancellation is "restructuring" and new management. Also, apparently "...Clarkson complained that label execs asked her to cover a Lindsay Lohan song". For that, I don't blame KC...If yours truly were asked to sing a Lindsay Lohan song, even in Karaoke, I'd be sure to promptly slash my wrists after beating the person who made that request to a bloody pulp. However, judging from the picture featured at the top of this blog, I'd say that KC isn't touring this Summer, because she's too busy EATING!!! Damn gurl, slow down! Jog! Go to the beach! Hell...TOUR!!!

Let's hope that KC continues to "restructure" for a long, long, long time. When she returns, maybe she'll sing some original material and for once, actually PLAY AN INSTRUMENT like a real musician. But wait, that horrible, drab, make every song sound the same, shitband Nickelback play their own instruments...on second thought, KC isn't that bad after all.

Stay tuned for next post when we examine that monstrosity from Canada known as "Nickelback"...they just won't QUIT!!!

The End of the "It" Girls and Potter Fans bust a Knut!

Given the recent media firestorm over BiBi's "comeback" (only to be dashed by a MilliVanilli/Ashley Simpson moment in Orlando), Paris Hilton's arrest and subsequent "jail time", Lindsay Lohan on Oxycontin, and Nicole Ritchie supposedly ALSO going to jail; one can logically assume that this is the end of the "It" girls in Hollywood. None can say that they didn't see this coming. After all, these ho's are famous for doing absolutely friggin NOTHING...well, Paris made that stupid ass tape, but that's about it. I for one am GLADD these bitches are getting whats coming to them. I hate to say it, but I agree with Pink and her dumb song "Stupid Girls".


In other gossip, Harry Potter fans REJOICE! Well, rejoice if you're in Florida, because Harry Potter et al are coming to Universal Orlando in 2009!! Now, gentle readers, please know that I'm am a HUGE DORK when it comes to everything Harry Potter. It's pathetic, I know, that a grown man in his 30's can't get enuf Harry Potter. I've read all 6 books, soon to have the 7th in my possession (commentary to follow on this blog), seen all the movies, and will most definitely visit Universal Orlando to see the "Wizarding World of Harry Potter". I can't wait to drink Pumpkin Juice, travel through the vaults of Gringotts, and buy a Sugar Quill from Honeydukes in Hogsmeade. It's going to be DORKISHLY Fantastic!!! However, one will NOT see me dress up as any character...unless it's for Halloween.